Candidates Begin To Stake Out Their Positions in 2012 Elections

(November 5, 2010)

My fellow citizens, I am here today, after six years at Unconfirmed Sources (go ahead, you can check; it’s really been that long. Man, what a pointless enterprise.) to make an announcement. While I shall continue to write for this august (and march and may) publication- mostly since no one else will have me- I have also decided to throw my hat and whatever other article of clothing you may desire into the political ring. In other words, I’m pretty broke and need money and politics, even if you lose the actual election, is lucrative. Look at Sarah Palin. Anyway. As of today, I’m joining the Tea Party and need, say, one hundred and fifty grand to get started. By next Thursday at around four. At the latest.

Yeah, yeah, I know that I may have said one or maybe even two things that the most unimaginative (read: most, if not all) members of The Tea Party just may have, during an off moment, misconstrued as insulting. Yes, I said:

“…the Tea Party- that delightful Movement with it’s charming blend of paranoia, racism, Conservative Values and funny hats…”


“It’s a schizophrenic movement. Saving a single stem cell is more important than saving the lives of potentially millions of people that the cure using the research on that stem cell may produce. Carrying weapons into Starbucks and scaring people is a way to show you’re a law abiding citizen. Even using the name “Tea Party”, which was about American’s right to be taxed by their own elected government (which is exactly you’ve got), kinda shows this is not a Thinking Man’s (or Woman’s) Movement.”

“(the)TP Movement is loaded with idiots and hypocrites of every stripe all working at cross-purposes and is nothing more than an unwitting stooge of Fox News and Rupert Murdoch”

So let me clarify. This was of course all just good clean…teasing. Didn’t mean it at all. Nope. I like carrying a Glock around while jazzed on espresso; I just hate Starbucks. I love the Tea Party. Which is why I want them to pay me…uh, fund my efforts to clean up government.

I know it’s early, but that’s exactly why I’m asking now; ‘you gotta be in it to win it’ and once people start to realize that Rand Paul got four million bucks from shadowy corporations, individuals and/or countries that represented the interests of god knows who or what, since the Supreme Court says they don’t have to tell you anymore, everyone’s gonna want to become a patriot. But I don’t need four million. No. I can be patriotic on, as I say, 150 K. More would be good of course (I do have my eye on a five bed, three bath, campaign headquarters up for foreclosure, situated on ten acres of gently rolling hills with a fenced yard- I’ve got dogs…um, political mascots- mountain views and indoor lap pool. Oh, oh, and there’s a great Lexus cross-over that I could use to haul campaign signs around in. All perfectly legal: just ask Christine O’Donnell. You gave her a lot of money too.).

And that’s the other thing. I’m sorry guys, but the Tea Party needs help picking candidates. People like anger, sure. They enjoy being paranoid and celebrating the Glorious Struggle for State’s Rights (or the Civil War as the Liberals still insist on calling it). And who wouldn’t be afraid of a Marxist, Socialist, Fascist, Communist, Muslim Terrorist running the country, even if he is Black (which has nothing to do with it since this is definitely not about race). But you’re not picking the right people to get the message out that the Tea Party is a forward thinking organization dedicated to bringing America back in time 235 or so years to it’s Constitutional roots, even if they’re not so sure what the Constitution actually says.

I’ll grant you, some of the faces are okay…Sarah and Christine are cute and Rand has a face that someone can love (I guess), but look at Carl Palladino for example. No one’s gonna vote for an angry, ugly guy. I know he used his own money, but if he had given it to me instead, I could’ve won (I’m really, really handsome) and then just done what he wanted. Then I could’ve given him stimulus development contracts to make up the outlay. That’s the Tea Party spirit- a win/win situation for all. It’s the same with Sue Whitman only more so since she has a lot more money. I know she’s a Republican and not a Tea Partier, but we’re not talking about politics here; we’re talking about putting political money in my pocket. If George Sorros wants to pay me I’ll stay a Liberal, for Christ sakes. It’s the economy, stupid.

So, that’s the plan. I don’t have any particular office in mind, though I’d prefer New York and since I’m not that wild about DC, something on the state level would be fine- Lieutenant Governor seems like a pretty easy gig. Something I can come in at noon for, not too early, ya know?

My fellow citizens, let me say this in closing: We all voted for ‘Change’ in 2008. Now let’s just forget the ‘change’ in 2012 and let me go straight for the large bills. Oh yeah, and may God Bless You All.

(Editor’s Note: That would be MEG Whitman, not SUE Whitman…we can’t remember who Sue is, but she’s somebody too, right?)