Capitol Hill Police: Alito Testifying Illegally

Washington, DC (UPSI) – Judge Samuel Alito was testifying illegally yesterday which resulted in a collision with a police baton, a Capitol Hill police spokesperson said yesterday.

The police spokesperson said Alito did not have the proper endorsement on his security clearance to discuss certain matters in reference to the president. The spokesperson stated that the judge was not locked up last night, after the ensuing scuffle, as he had to be transported to a hospital. The altercation left Alito with a cut on his upper lip that required 15 stitches.

The officers referred their findings to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who will determine whether the judge should be cited for an infraction. Revealing state secrets without proper authorization can result, in some cases, in extreme rendition. A spokesperson for the Attorney General’s office refused comment, citing an ongoing investigation.

Late last night, Alito acknowledged that he never bothered to obtain a security clearance because he “never thought about it.”

“I just never really applied for it,” he told reporters at a press conference. “It was kind of like that situation with Vanguard when I didn’t recuse myself, it was just one of those things that I never really did.”

A spokesperson for Judge Alito initially stated that they felt the judge’s basic security clearance would suffice, with a sidebar attached. The judge’s son, Philip, who was standing alongside on a sidebar, was unhurt after yesterday’s clash.

A spokesperson for the United States Secret Service said their agency reached the same conclusion as Capitol Hill police after checking the most recent descriptors of executive power issued by the Bush administration.

“We’re not criticizing Capitol Hill Police,” said the Secret Service spokesperson, “as we haven’t seen their full report… but even past rulings from Judge Alito himself would suggest that their use of force was justified.”

After the Capitol Hill Police announcement, spokespersons for Judge Alito stated that he would be moving forward to obtain the proper security clearance.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan declined to discuss if the White House had checked whether the judge had proper security clearance. He stated that he would not disclose such information as it might be considered as providing aid and comfort to the enemy.