Castro Undead at 81


CLICK TO ENLARGE

Havana, Cuba (UPSI) – Rumors spread wildly this afternoon across much of Miami and other large US urban centered Cuban communities regarding the possible death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The Cuban health ministry issued a statement confirming a minor setback in Castro’s overall health, but maintained that stories of his demise were grotesquely exaggerated. Cuba’s lifetime leader had just celebrated his 81st birthday earlier this month.

A spokesperson for the health ministry admitted that they had to resort to an unorthodox and controversial procedure in order to stabilize Castro this time, consulting with a voodoo priestess still practicing on the outskirts of Havana.

“There were some minor sticking points in regards to state views about religion,” stated the spokesperson, “but these seem to have been resolved by Castro himself, and the procedure thus far has been a tremendous success. The president is resting in complete peace, much better than he has in a long time.”

A quiet Castro posed for pictures immediately after the procedure to quell rumors of his death that had begun circulating among the populace.

“We can look forward to possibly another twenty years of productivity and leadership from the president,” stated his personal physician. “He will have to make some major lifestyle changes, including extensive refrigeration throughout the presidential compound as well as maintaining a strict diet of mainly fresh, red meat. Nothing short of a major head injury would prevent the president from continuing his service to the Cuban people.”