Centers for Disease Control Director Julie Gerberding has plan to 'save' us from 'bird flu'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control Director Julie Gerberding has helped create a plan to save the world from the “bird flu.” With a smile on her face, she talked about the possibility that the government may need to declare martial law, and people like herself would get more power and funding if the “bird flu” ever struck.

“How awesome that would be if there was an actual bird flu threat, since I would get so much more money and power, and I would feel important,” said Dr. Julie Gerberding. “Right now, the idea is to scare everybody into trusting the government and big pharma as their saviors. Every time I open my mouth about the bird flu, my pharma stocks surge.”

When one reporter asked Dr. Gerberding how she can make such statements about how scary the bird flu is, since no bird flu test even exists, Gerberding had security promptly remove the reporter. Dr. Gerberding then spoke about the need to ensure that everybody gets a nice bird flu vaccine needle with their name written all over it, which the government would provide since the government loves everybody so much and cares about whether or not we all live.

Even though the government routinely uses vaccines on its own military that have caused a plurality of health problems in hundreds of thousands of service members, and then does nothing to address their problems after the fact, Dr. Julie Gerberding insisted that we can “trust” the government on this one.

“I am Dr. Julie Gerberding. I know what I am talking about. I work for the government. You can trust me and the government on this issue. We know what is best,” said Gerberding.