Cheney Dismisses Suggestions of Civil War in Iraq

Washington, DC (APE) – Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday dismissed suggestions that America was on the verge of plunging into the midst of a civil war in Iraq. Cheney made a rare television appearance on CBS’s “Face the Nation”. “I don’t think we can pay any intention to that kind of thing,” Cheney stated. “The president has got a job to do… he ignores the background noise that’s out there.”

With Bush’s job approval continuing to plummet, many senior Republicans are abandoning their demands for infusions of fresh blood and ideas, and are beginning to argue for hospitalization with a course of IV antibiotics.

Many political strategists are suggesting that the vice president should step aside for the remainder of Bush’s term to give someone else a slim chance at getting the Republican nomination for president. “Nobody has suggested it to me,” Cheney said, “I dare them…” Referring to the recent incident in which he shot a long time friend and hunting partner, Cheney said, “when you’re down in the polls you’re going to take shots that you don’t deserve. It’s probably not the first time the Secret Service ever had to worry about being shot at.”

Cheney illustrated America’s position in Iraq with a set of “Chinese handcuffs”. “This little thing is a great way to illustrate why America must stay the course in the war in Iraq,” Cheney stated. “Whoops, damn it… and I just read that talking points memo… I just want to say that we’re not really at “war” per se in Iraq… damn, I said it again. At any rate, this little thing shows that when the two forces come together, in a concerted effort, heh… that is to say only then will we be able to withdraw as the Iraqi’s, heh… well there are ways other than destroying the entire little thing to achieve freedom for everyone, heh… God dammit, Scooter… I mean… Karl! I told you this was a dumb fucking idea! Somebody get over here and get this fucking thing off of me!”

After the “Chinese handcuffs” were removed for the vice president, he was asked if this might be some type of premonition for his role in what many describe as unconstitutional and illegal activities by the Bush administration. Mr. Cheney noticeably stiffened, and replied, “It’s been a highlight of my career to be a part of this administration, and if I’m convicted, there’s no way I’ll serve out my term.”