Cheney Implicated in Plame Affair: Arrested Trying to Leave Country

Washington, DC (APE) – Patrick Fitzgerald today made public the findings of his nearly two year long investigation into the “outing” of CIA undercover agent Valerie Plame. Within hours, Vice President Dick Cheney was apprehended attempting to leave the country with a false British Passport. While reporters are still poring over the Grand jury findings made public today, apparently the Vice President has been revealed as the source of Plame’s true identity to his advisor Scooter Libbey who subsequently revealed it to numerous press insiders in an effort to defame Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Charges appear to be pending for Libby as well as President Bush’s advisor Karl Rove as well for their attempts at covering up the incident and protecting the Vice President.

It was revealed today that the Vice President’s decision to out Mrs. Wilson(Plame) resulted directly in the deaths of two undercover operatives in the middle east who were linked to her undercover corporate position. Lawyers for the White House maintain that the Vice President was all along unaware of Plame’s deep cover status, and shouldn’t be held accountable for the deaths. This development elevates the Vice President’s act to one of treason, which may be punishable by execution.

The Vice President, seated, awaiting processing at a federal penitentiary

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, “We simply will refuse to comment, because, as I have said before, this investigation is ongoing.”

After a reporter in the room pointed out to Mr. McClellan that the investigation in actuality had concluded with the release of the report today, Mr. McClellan stated, “Heh… oh yeah… Well, we still can’t say very much. Executive Privilege, National Security, Fifth Amendment, and what not. We will say that the two deaths in question appear highly suspicious and appear very likely to be forgeries. This Administration is very much looking forward to defending itself vigorously behind closed doors.”

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald displaying the phony British Passport to reporters

When asked to comment about the Vice President’s apparent attempt at flight from justice, Mr. McClellan explained that this was just a planned policy trip to Great Britain, and the passport in the Vice President’s possession was meant as a joke to the Administration’s staunch ally, Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Patrick Fitzgerald was asked for comment and said simply, “You have what I’ve got to this point, and it would simply be inappropriate to comment on prosecutions in progress.”