Washington, DC (Rotters) – Late this evening in a private White House ceremony, Vice President Dick Cheney sweetened the earlier sentence commutation for a perjury conviction from President George Bush by awarding a $750,000 check to former chief counsel “Scooter” Libby to cover the remainder of his $250,000 fine. The vice president praised Libby for his patriotism, and his stoic silence throughout the legal proceedings against him.
“America needs this man, but I need him more,” praised the vice president. “I just hope that he will accept this small token of my appreciation in the spirit in which it is extended. This man and his family have suffered long enough in personal service of the executo-legislato-judicio branch of government. The skill set he has acquired here should serve him well in whatever private sector position he eventually chooses.”
The payment of Libby’s fine now apparently leaves only the stigma of the loss of his ability to practice law as a final punishment. A White House spokesperson stated that Justice Department officials, at the insistence of the president, will be looking into legal precedents surrounding reinstatement of convicted felons’ rights to practice law.
“This has been a dark time for this administration and indeed for the nation,” stated a White House spokesperson. “After multiple consultations with historians over the last few weeks, the president came to a personal consensus view that it was time to draw to a close the whole sordid affair and usher in a period of healing for the administration as well as the country. The president urges all Americans to take away from these events a greater respect for the rule of law, but, more importantly, an humble subservience to the unitary executive, especially during times of war.”