A home-made and -edited videotape of Vice President Dick Cheney and wife Lynne engaging in various sex acts was leaked to the public today. Unconfirmed sources report the tape contains the Cheneys engaging in oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse in a variety of positions. The video is being hawked for $49,95 at various Web sites and can be also found free of charge through multi-media search engines such as KaZaA.
“That is definitely not Lynne and myself in the tape,” Cheney said in an official press release. “We do not practice the sinful acts depicted in the video tape.”
Lynne confirmed they were not the ones in the video. “What many don’t know is that I have a tattoo in a very private place,” she admitted. “In the positions found on the tape, you can clearly see the area where my tattoo would be is clearly not marked.” When asked how long she has had her tattoo, Lynne refused further comment, noting only that she has had it “Long enough to be visible in the tape.”
Critics, however, are eager to point out that the tape is in fact real. “To be able to edit a 40 minute video tape so perfectly requires expensive editing equipment which is not usually available to the general public,” says Simon Dell, a Television and Production Broadcasting graduate from Canadore college. “Besides, I doubt that even the most hard-core Liberal would want to take on that task as a smear campaign.”
President George W. Bush was quick to support the Cheneys. “I am here for Dick and Lynne in their time of need. It saddens and sickens me that human beings could be so animalistic as to want to see the Vice President of the United States of America engage in sexual intercourse with his wife. Now on a completely unrelated note, I would like to announce the formal impeachment of Vice President Dick Cheney.”