Corpus Christi, TX (Rotters) – In a stunning turn of events today, it was discovered that Vice President Cheney returned yesterday to Corpus Christi, Texas after his friend and shooting victim Harry Whittington suffered a heart attack secondary to complications from the gunshot. Whittington’s condition rapidly deteriorated to the point this morning that a risky and groundbreaking procedure was undertaken in which the vice president’s heart was removed and transplanted into his friend. A hospital spokesperson declared the procedure a resounding success and stated that both men were awake and alert and joking with the nursing staff.
The national and international press in attendance were noted to be both shocked and enraged over what had transpired apparently in secret. The procedure occurred approximately 24 hours after the press learned that the initial gunshot wound had occurred in secret over 24 hours before. Reporters scrambled to investigate the unfolding story after just being informed of the mild heart attack today, which apparently had happened the day before yesterday.
White House sources stated that they were happy for the success of the procedure and the well-being of the vice president and his friend, but were very outraged and upset over the major leak of information which transpired. The FBI has reportedly been called in to investigate with hospital staff in Corpus Christi being likely suspects.
Heart transplant surgeon Dr. Nick Frost described the outcome as “eerie” and “miraculous”. “We had suspicions that the vice president could survive and do just fine without a heart, but the team is frankly amazed at his progress. We had the latest state of the art Jarvic mechanical heart ready to go, but he didn’t need it. Within hours of the anesthesia wearing off, Mr. Cheney was anxious to get out of bed and go visit with Mr. Whittington. If not for the concerns for infection we probably could have let him. Mr. Cheney’s own personal physician was astounded, and felt there may have even been a dramatic improvement in his overall health with the heart removed.”
Dr. Frost continued, “The next 24 hours or so will be crucial to see to what extent Mr. Whittington can accept the heart… oh, wait a minute… I guess that would be the last 24 hours… it’s hard to keep track of this security thing.”
In a spontaneous press conference at the White House, spokesperson Scott McClellan seemed to almost gloat over the situation, given the pointed questions that he had had to endure over the last two days. For the most part the White House press corps seemed speechless or possibly dumbfounded. Mr. McClellan offered, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This administration is an administration of action, and you’ve got to trust us if you want to keep up. We create reality and history while those critical of us are left behind to debate it.”