Cheney Wrests Control from Bush in Bloodless Coup over Concerns of Rampant Defeatism

Washington, DC (APE) – The United States of America early this morning, became the second democracy to fall victim to a bloodless coup in the past month, following closely in the footsteps of the military coup in Thailand. Details are sketchy at present, but at apparently 6 a.m. this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney wrested control of the presidency from the 43rd President George W. Bush.

White House spokespersons urged the American public to remain calm during a time of necessary transition. They stated that President Cheney would likely be making a statement to the public later in the morning after necessary security measures had been taken. Tanks were seen patrolling barricaded streets in downtown Washington, and had assumed defensive positions around the White House itself.

Cheney spoke briefly to a handful of selected Fox News reporters and photographers from an undisclosed location. He announced that his personal assistant, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, would be assuming temporarily the position of Vice President.

“Sadly, the rumors of the president’s growing mental instability are true,” stated Cheney. “There has been a progressive decline in function, but he has noticeably deteriorated over the past week, as evidenced by his release of a highly classified national intelligence estimate to the public yesterday. In my capacity as vice president, I found it necessary to act aggressively at that point in the best interests of the security of America. I take no pleasure in assuming the mantle of the leader of the free world, but it is my sworn duty.”

Cheney described the damage done by the recent leaks of the NIE as “incalculable” in the ongoing war on terror, and vowed that everyone involved would be “hunted down and punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

President Bush was seen in handcuffs and shackles, leaving a side exit to the undisclosed location. “I am the president, and this is just wrong,” he shouted, interspersed with fits of profanity. Bush was rapidly placed in the presidential limousine, and the heavily escorted motorcade sped away. White House sources refuse to comment on the disposition of Mr. Bush.

Cheney went on to state that both houses of Congress would likely be dissolved over the next few days in light of its failure to expedite needed measures in the ongoing war against terror. He promised free elections in the newly reformed government as soon as humanly possible when terrorist threats to America throughout the world had been completely dealt with. “This cancer of defeatism will be surgically removed from around the heart of America,” stated Cheney.

“To Mr. Ahmadinejad and Mr. Jong Il,” stated Cheney, “consider yourselves on immediate notice. You have exactly one week to cease-and-desist with all activities which we have deemed a threat to the United States, or face nuclear consequences.”

The whereabouts of administration officials who had been close to the president was not immediately known. Rumors indicated that presidential assistant Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice were still at large and in hiding. Donald Rumsfeld apparently remained in charge at the Pentagon.