Guantanamo, Cuba (Rotters) – After musing over nonspecific “gut feelings” in an interview with the Chicago Tribune editorial board yesterday, Homeland security chief Michael Chertoff was suddenly rushed late last night to Guantanamo Bay Cuba for emergent medical care. Chertoff had initially ascribed the gut feeling and discomfort to what he believed would be an imminent Al Qaeda attack on America sometime this summer. Chertoff, later that evening collapsed at home, and after being examined by White House physicians was determined to have a serious medical problem.
At the insistence of the White House, Chertoff was rushed overnight to Guantanamo Bay to the state-of-the-art facilities at Camp Delta.
“I think everyone can appreciate that Mr. Chertoff is in a key administration position, and no expense should be spared in insisting that he receive the best care available in the United States,” stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow.
A spokesperson at the medical facility stated that Chertoff was stabilized and resting comfortably. It was further hoped that concerted medical interventions would prevail and an heroic surgical procedure would not be ultimately necessary.
“This is probably one of the worst fecal impactions that I have seen in my entire career,” stated army surgeon Colonel Douglas R. Vault. “This man is literally FOS, as we refer to it.”
“We have seen this frequently in career politicians, and it goes beyond dietary concerns,” continued Colonel Vault. “The body literally becomes bathed and saturated in stress-related hormones as the patient attempts to maintain ever more ridiculous lies and obfuscations. These hormones have a severe constipating effect which in turn psychologically reinforces the need to continue the behaviors, resulting in a ticking time bomb if not diffused.”
“Our heartfelt concerns and prayers go out to Mr. Chertoff and his family,” stated Tony Snow. “The president has also taken steps to safeguard the health and safety of other key advisers during this ongoing war by doubling the amount of dietary fiber available throughout the day at the White House. We will also begin mandatory shift rotations for those with the dangerous job of frequently having to access the public.”
The White House further stated that it expected Chertoff’s complete recovery within a matter of days at the hands and fingers of the team of crack specialists assembled at the Guantanamo Bay facility.