Federal Drug Administration officials stated today that children from ages 6 to 18 were not receiving enough medication for everything from ADHD to depression and instructed doctors and pharmacists to prescribe more pills and shots to insure the children’s happiness and well being.
“As of now only 20% of children are receiving any daily medications at all”, stated FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, MD. “That figure should be 70 to 90%!”
Hamburg pointed out that children suffer from ADHD, depression, PTSD, paranoia and a host of other problems. She indicated that there are many pharmaceutical products that could alleviate these problems resulting in happier children.
“I personally know a 17-year-old male child who is only five foot three inches tall”, Hamburg claimed. “Granted, he seems happy and popular but could you imagine how much happier he would be if he were taller? I personally prescribed Human Growth Hormone and steroids to him so he could grow taller and be more, you know, manly”.
Hamburg also stated that nearly every child has some sort of behavioral problem that could be addressed and alleviated though medications.
“We need to give all children Ritalin or some sort of ADHD medication, not just the problem children”, she declared. “Every child acts up on occasion and medication could control that”.
Hamburg suggested to President Obama that every child be medicated as part of his “Obamacare” program.