Unconfirmed sources report that southern Ohio town of Chillicothe has become the newest member of the Nuclear Club. In a statement released to the media Mayor Windell Wheeler declared that Chillicothe was in possession of several small nuclear weapons. The news of Chillicothe’s possession of nuclear arms has taken the entire world by surprise. Officials from the United Nations and the Federal government have been dispatched to meet with Mayor Wheeler to determine the town’s intentions.
“As the Mayor of Chillicothe it is my duty to take all measures to secure the safety of our town.” Said Wheeler at a press conference this morning. “In this dangerous world sometimes extreme measures must be taken to protect the people. I believe that the safety provided by a strong nuclear deterrence is really the best safety money can buy. Anybody who wants to mess with Chillicothe is gonna think twice about it now.”
The details of the town’s covert nuclear program are slowly coming to light in the wake of the announcement. The town apparently started its program some 23 years ago. The town secretly paid to send several of its residents to college to study nuclear engineering. At least one member of the covert team then joined the military and gained a wealth of valuable experience. The members of the team then returned to Chillicothe and over the span of just 15 years built seven small nuclear weapons. The mystery of where the team got the nuclear material to build the bombs has not been solved.
Residents have greeted the news of Chillicothe’s entry into the nuclear club with a mixture of pride and surprise. “This is a real symbol of the ‘can do’ American sprit,” said Chillicothe native John Smith. “I’ve always been proud to be from Chillicothe, but I have to say after the Mayor’s announcement I feel all Chillothians are standing a bit taller today. Chillicothe has joined a very select club and I hope the city will now get the recognition and respect it deserves.”
Nuclear nonproliferation expert Dr. Jim Fuller, former Director of the Defense Nuclear Nonproliferation Program, gave us his take on the situation. “Mayor Wheeler makes a good argument for having a strong nuclear deterrence. History has shown that nuclear deterrence is a powerful security measure that any potential adversary must take seriously. Is it over kill for a town like Chillicothe? I think only time will tell, but I have a feeling the farsighted folks in Chillicothe may be the first of a many that will consider the nuclear option.”