Chillicothe Ohio Gives Up it's Nukes: State and Federal Officials Heave Sigh of Relief

In a surprise move today the mayor of beautiful Chillicothe Ohio has announced that the town will give up its’ nuclear weapons immediately. Mayor Windell Wheeler made the announcement at the United Nations summit in New York City before the General Assembly. Federal and state emergency preparedness officials have greeted the news with relief and are already helping to decommission the city’s deadly arsenal.

“This is great new for Ohio, and the nation.” Says Ohio Emergency Preparedness officer Darren Waldor. “Chillicothe’s possession of these weapons has been of great concern to us since it came to light last February. We are, of course, thankful for the work that Unconfirmed Sources did in bringing this story to light. Once the word got out we, along with the FBI, made a careful investigation of the situation and were able, with the help of residents and local Emergency Preparedness Officials, convince Mayor Wheeler to give up Chillicothe’s nukes.”

“It was a very good process.” Says Chillicothe Emergency Preparedness officer Beth Davies. “We explained to Mr. Wheeler our concerns about the safety and these devices and he, in time, agreed to sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and give up the devices.”


Dear reader,

I would like to take a moment to address a note to the folks at the Ohio EMA whose Internet crawler will flag this story because it contains the terms “Ohio, Nuclear, and Bomb” Thanks for you patience dear reader, the story continues below.

Dear EMA,

To save Marty U. and the folks at the Ohio Emergency Management Agency some time we are inserting the disclaimer for this story in the body of the text so as to avoid any unwanted confusion about the true nature of this ‘news’ item.

“Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.”

Kamal El-Din


Local residents who were at first proud that Chillicothe was a nuclear power are now a little sheepish about their support of the program.

“I have to admit, I was very excited for Chillicothe when I heard the news.” Says local resident John Smith. “But now I have very mixed feeling about it. I am still proud of he achievement of being the first town to have it’s own nuclear arsenal, but I have come to understand the true responsibility having these devices entails. I just don’t think having nukes made Chillicothe safer, as a matter of fact I think it might even have started to destabilize the region.”

Mr. Smith was referring to unconfirmed reports that the nearby town of Jones’ Falls was beginning to amass a large conventional army to counter the threat posed by Chillicothe.

“It looks like this whole situation is now under control.” Continued Darren Waldor. “I think a lot of people have learned a good lesson about the dangers of nuclear weapons and that will make Chillicothe, the State of Ohio, and the nation safer and more secure.”