Unconfirmed sources report the Historic City of Chillicothe Ohio has been totally flattened. Speaking from the edge of a vast asphalt lot Douglas Corcran, The Cities former Director of Economic development explained. “It was Gods will that Chillicothe be destroyed but it’s not what you are thinking.” Mr. Corcoran disputed claims the city of consumed by the holy fire as was Sodom and Gomorrah. “No the people of this fair city were honest and good folks, but the First Christian Reformed Church need more parking, so the City of Chillicothe had to go.”
The final issue of the Chillicothe Gazette reported: The newly expanded First Christian Reformed Church has claimed eminent domain by divine right. Shortly after the entire city was condemned by Pope Benedict the 16th and ‘the dozers moved in’ Long time residents were stunned when their homes, streets and schools fell beneath dozers and paving machines.
Douglas Corcran, The Cities former Director of Economic development lamented the loss of the historic downtown area. “We had just gotten the place spruced up, Yoctangee park was looking nice and the Filling Station Pub was freshly painted, really what a shame.” Locals consider it ironic that Chillicothe should suffer the same disastrous fate as it sister city Fallujah Iraq.
Speaking on Behalf of The newly expanded First Christian Reformed Church, Burt Radcliff gave their side of the story. “In this country freedom of religion is inshrined in the constitution, so when we were persecuted with substandard overflow parking we responded to the Lords calling.” According to Douglas Corcran. Once the Chillicothe Planning Commission granted approval of the re-zoning of a 370,000 acre tract of land along U.S. Route 35 and State Route 104, “it was pretty much over for the Citizens of Chillicothe.”
Church Spokesman Burt Radcliff “Hey, I also enjoyed life in Chillicothe, But lets face it after the 200th anniversary party in 1996, It seemed rather pointless to carry on.”