Christine O'Donnell Admits to Masturbating

Outspoken masturbation opponent and Delaware, GOP U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitted today that she masturbated in 1999 after dating a member of a satanic cult.

“Being on that altar of blood made me so horny!” the candidate candidly revealed. “I just wanted to take off my clothes and throw myself at the Devil. However, I am a good Christian girl so I just masturbated later on in my room instead”.

O’Donnell insisted she only masturbated this one time and she has managed to resist all Earthly impulses to achieve orgasm since then.

“Sex is wrong and evil!” she declared. “People shouldn’t have sex! Sex is all about lust! Lust is bad! I know some of you are picturing me slowly taking off my blouse, slipping off my bra and revealing my huge breasts! Then you’d want me to slide out of my skirt and stick my thong covered ass in your faces as you get massive erections! I insist this is wrong”

Some spectators stated that O’Donnell became noticeably aroused during her speech as her nipples became noticeably erect. Real estate investor Ralph Johnson even pointed a ‘thermo imaging’ camera at O’Donnell’s vaginal area and proved she was noticeably excited.

“She was obviously on fire”, Johnson claimed. I thought she was going to leap off the podium and grab someone!”

Meanwhile, millions of masturbating Democrats throughout Delaware expressed opposition to O’Donnell’s opposition.

“I like masturbating”, said kindergarten teacher Sylvia Johnson. “It’s a great thing to do because you can’t always get laid!”