(Sorry Guys- The Photo Thing Is Screwing Up Again- Imagine a Picture Of The Collider With A Pithy Remark About Glenn Beck Or Something)
Scientists at Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN near Geneva have released a startling prediction in their staff-targeted Bulletin this month. The international research center’s Theory Group wrote, “Parallel universes, unknown forms of matter, extra dimensions… These are not the stuff of cheap science fiction but very concrete physics theories that scientists are trying to confirm with the LHC and other experiments.”
While finding actual proof that alternate universes exist is laudable, it is difficult to understand why it took the scientific community $10 billion dollars and years of planning and construction to achieve it…all’s they had to do was look at and document statements made by various United States Tea Party candidates running for political office this year, as well as media pudnits Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn (The Constitution Is Hanging By A Thread!) Beck- proof enough that these people aren’t just living in another world, but a completely different dimension as well.
Still, scientists are scientists and do not rely on empirical evidence to assume fact and the Tea Party is the Tea Party and does not rely on any evidence at all to assume fact…or fiction for that matter. So the CERN researchers have worked hard to produce the head-on collisions at all but the speed of light, hopefully recreating what happened a tiny fraction of a second after the primeval “Big Bang” 13.7 billion years ago which brought the known universe and everything in it into being.
The Tea Party, on the other hand, have worked just as hard to recreate a time (around six thousand years ago, if the Bible has anything to say about it) that has never existed- an America based on the rule of Christianity over the pronouncements and freedoms afforded by the First Amendment, which Christine O’Donnell is even more suspicious of than the Big Bang Theory, which she still assumes has something bad to do with masturbation.
Should these experiments ultimately prove successful, CERN scientists next plan to enlarge the collider to accommodate a head on collision at the speed of light between Christine O’Donnell and Glenn Beck, not in the search for any great insight, but just for the fun of it.