Christmas Threatened by Global Warming


North Pole (UPSI) – In an exclusivity interview with UPSI, Kris Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, revealed that the recent acceleration of the melting of the polar ice cap has had a devastating effect on his ability to come through with Christmas this year. Kringle stated that his workshops, as well as housing facilities for his work staff, were literally destroyed within a matter of months this summer. Many have fled, and those who have elected to stay on have had to work and live in suboptimal conditions on a loosely associated band of shrinking icebergs.

“We’ve had to completely abandon the whole concept of the reindeer drawn sleigh,” stated Kringle. “Thankfully, Rudolph and the entire gang have been able to avoid drowning as well as the the danger from starving polar bears and escape to the Kamchatka Peninsula. They’re all happy and well fed there.”

NASA satellite studies have revealed a dramatic and unprecedented loss of polar ice within the past year. Consensus in the scientific community indicates that human activity is largely responsible.

“Global warming has indeed been a tragedy, but those responsible for Christmas have worked hard to salvage what we can and even possibly take advantage of the current conditions,” stated Kringle. “The clearing of the Northwest Passage has offered an opportunity for almost instantaneous access to the Northern Hemisphere.”

Kringle insisted that despite the callous destruction of the environment by humankind he was determined to bring Christmas in the most carbon neutral manner possible.

“Much of the northern hemisphere will now be accessed by our aquatic sleigh which we have christened “Naughty and Nice”, boasted Kringle. “She’s virtually carbon neutral. She runs off methane which has been generated throughout the year by Rudolph and the guys. It really takes a lot of the burden off the reindeer who are getting a little older nowadays, but who are still needed for the landlocked areas of the world.”

Kringle further stated that thanks to drowning precautions and timely planning, much of the elf workforce was still intact and that they had every confidence no good child would go unrewarded this year.

“Ho, ho, ho! Don’t get me wrong,” insisted Kringle, “there are an awful lot of lumps of coal that should be going out this year, but we’re going to have to be creative because of this whole global warming mess. Coal really sends the wrong message. Not to give anything away, but I think Christmas morning may find a couple of dead polar bears under the tree at the White House.”