In light of the recent developments regarding Unconfirmed Sources writer Kamal El-Din, Chillicote, Ohio and the FBI, I feel it is time to set the record straight on my end. After all, in this time of National Trial, namely the War on Terror that is being so ably fought by our Commander in Chief President George W. Bush, the last thing I would want to do is add to any distractions from that war. Therefore, it is time to cut Mr. El-Din and my editors at Unconfirmed Sources loose, and hopefully save my own ass in the process.
In a time of War, journalistic integrity must take a back seat to the struggle for Freedom, namely my own freedom. I in no way want to sacrifice that freedom by say, implying that George W. Bush is a traitorous criminal, that Vice President Dick Cheney regularly engages in corporate fraud by awarding no bid contracts to his chums at his former company Halliburton or that Paul Wolfowitz has subverted all the principles this great nation was founded on by advocating Pre-Emptive Liberation as a political tool. Nothing could be farther from the truth, even though every bit of evidence seems to point that way. These are good guys who have gotten a raw deal from people like Kamal El-Din and his ilk. It’s so sad, really.
I, being in the unique position of being mistakenly regarded as a Liberal Democrat by the staff at Unconfirmed Sources, can be of great service to my friends at the FBI. I can, with access to the proper amount of expense monies, get these Evil-Doers to incriminate themselves to the point where they will talk themselves right into a room at Guantanamo Bay. I’ll wear a wire, I’ll take pictures if the FBI would give me, to keep of course, one of those cool little digital spy cameras. In short, I’ll do anything to keep my craven butt out of the hoosegow.
Therefore, I am taking this opportunity to come down squarely on the side of Truth and Justice, or at least what passes for it in America these days. Sure, I voted for Al Gore and John Kerry, but that was only to cement my credentials with the Left, who no doubt have access to my secret ballot…those guys are treacherous. And yes, I have in the past written articles for this and other web-sites that may seem, at first blush at least, to be slightly anti-Republican. Once again, this was only to make the Dead-Enders at these websites think that I was one of them. What I’ve done… sometimes, alone in the dead of night as I clutch my Bible and American Flag to my breast, has caused me to weep bitter tears. But I can console myself with the knowledge that one day I’ll be able to stand in the sun again, proclaim my Republican heritage and know that I was one of the ones on the frontlines of the fight for Freedom. I feel like Serpico.
You know, it feels so good to finally be able to come clean about my part in the War on Terror. I am looking forward to testifying in secret court against…well, really anyone the FBI or Department of Homeland Security asks me to, whether I know who the are or not. That’s what Freedom is all about; you gotta do whatever it takes to keep it. Just ask Karl Rove.