Well my dear readers, I fear the day has finally come that I have been dreading for a long time. God knows, I’ve tried to avoid it, I’ve pretended it wasn’t coming, but now it’s here. The situation has gotten too dire, things are too far out of control and if I don’t act now, it will be too late. While I recognize the enormity of what I’m doing, I approach this with great humility as well. But it’s time for me to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.
That’s right; after four and a half years of the incompetence of George W. Bush and his cronies in the Administration, after the failures of 9/11, Iraq, our national economy and now, Hurricane Katrina…after the Enron and World Com scandals, after Halliburton and Cindy Sheehan the time has finally come to act. Indeed, I may have waited too long. Of course, I hope that it’s not too late of course, but I also won’t deceive the American People. There’s been far too much of that of late.
That is why I now am offering my services, in the name of the Public Good, to take over the control of…well, everything, and make our great nation, and the world, a better place. No, I don’t mean I want to be President, that would be thinking too small in this time of crisis. I’m proposing something much larger and indeed, more grand. I am offering to control the entire planet. For free, plus housing and expenses. Hunger, Poverty, AIDS, Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz, Healthcare…in short, I’ll address every nasty problem our planet faces.
I’m figuring it should take about six months, possibly as long as nine or ten if I have trouble bringing the Evangelicals in line. It will be hard at first and there will be tears; in this time of dire need we can’t afford to have illusions. It will require massive movements of people, materials and monies around the world. But rest assured, after the pain will come great happiness. Well, for me at least.
While this is not the place nor time to offer specifics, I will give you some examples of my future plans for making the world a better place. First of all, no more dopey acronyms. That’s very important. No more “No Child Left Behind’s” or “NAFTA’s” or “TRIMPAC’s”. They’re annoying and deceptive. If you’re trying to steal an election and make a pile of cash at the same time you shouldn’t call it TRIMPAC, you should call it fraud and theft. If you’re trying to dismember the National Education Association, (by the way, initials will still be allowed…please keep it to a four letter maximum. Thank you.) be honest and tell people you’re anti-teachers. Don’t call it No Child Left Behind. If you want to send good paying jobs overseas and gut the unions at the same time, NAFTA doesn’t even come close to what you’re trying to accomplish. In short, I’m calling for honesty in crime and deception.
There is also the matter of opinion polling. Not only will I refuse to govern by the polls, I refuse to allow political polling at all. After all, who cares what you think of the job I’m doing? Polls would just get you all riled up and be counter-productive. The Pew organization, Harris, Gallup and their ilk will now be restricted to questions such as ‘does the color blue make you happy or sad?’ and ‘should Garrison Keillor do two joke shows a year instead of just one?’
As the days go by, I’ll be giving you more specific information regarding the way I want you to live your lives…look for the registered mail packet in your mailbox. Follow it’s instructions to the letter. Failure to do so could result in your deportation to Provo, Utah.
Thank You and good night.