Washington, DC (APE) – In a stunning announcement late today, scientists at the investigatory arm of the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC stated that DNA obtained from the controversial Chupacabra specimen in Cuero, Texas as well as another reportedly identical specimen obtained from a rural, Maryland area were virtually identical and contained roughly 80% human DNA. The second specimen was killed outside the home of a Mary Cheney, and submitted for further examination to the Natural History Museum. Scientists there have tentatively named the apparently new species “Chupacabra Chenensis”
“Amazingly, it does appear that this is a new species altogether,” stated a museum scientist. “It is a truly one-of-a-kind cold-blooded mammal which indeed sucks the blood from its prey in order to survive. 80% of the DNA does indeed match up with that identified through the Human Genome Project, and the remainder appears to be a hodgepodge of genes comparable to that of a leech, a vampire bat, and an ordinary dog. On autopsy, there are high concentrations of melanin throughout the tissues of the internal organs, imparting a dark pigmentation throughout. The heart itself appears blacker than crude oil.”
Scientists insisted that there were very minimal differences between the specimen found in Maryland and that being examined from Cuero, Texas. The Texas specimen has been tentatively named “Chupacabra Walkerii”.
“Undoubtedly these things have caused a lot of misery and great fear and damage to people and their livelihoods,” stated the museum spokesperson, “but it’s clear that they don’t really present much of a threat anymore. I would urge people to take consolation in the fact that they appear to have a very short lifespan, something on the order of six to eight years. They appear to be undergoing real problems with environmental stressors leading to some gender confusion issues and resulting in unproductive coupling. They are actually quite pathetic and weak, and easily dealt with when exposed to the light of day.”