CIA Admits to Drug Trafficking

In an unusual show of openness, the US Central Intelligence Agency admitted today that it is in the lucrative field of drug trafficking and have been financing the agency with the profits for decades.

“President Obama wants us to be honest with the American people”, said CIA director Leon Panetta. “We have been secretly smuggling drugs out of and into foreign countries for decades for the purpose of financing the CIA.”

Panetta stated that the CIA had worked directly with former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega in an effort to supply drugs to the United States. When Noriega was no longer useful to the US he was captured and imprisoned for life.

Panetta also stated that the US is controlling the poppy fields in Afghanistan, the cocaine manufacturing plants in Brazil and most other major drug manufacturing systems throughout the world.

“We use many of the profits to line our own pockets”, Panetta continued.

Another startling revelation Panetta made was the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. “We know they had weapons of mass destruction because we sold them weapons of mass destruction”, Panetta calmly told the media. “The problem is, by the time the war came around they had already used them all up!”

President Barack Obama praised Panetta for his forthright candor. “It’s time for us to stop lying to the American people”, the President stated. “The CIA and other US organizations have been the main culprits behind most major world tragedies over the past 50 years”.

Obama said he had no immediate plans to change the way the CIA operates and said it will be “business as usual” for the time being.