Anxious to show their support for United States President George W. Bush and the War in Iraq, unnamed Texas Patriots have driven a pickup truck through the nearly one thousand memorial crosses set along the side of the road outside the Crawford ranch, dedicated to some of those soldiers who have died in the war since President Bush declared that war to be over. Coming on the heels of Mr. Bush’s neighbor firing off his shotgun while joking about “getting ready for Dove Season” and Capitan Kenneth Vanek forcing protesters to stumble through ditches, this latest round of Americanism proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Texas is the most loyal and patriotic state in the Union.
“It’s them damned dead (American soldiers) fuckers that are the traitors,” said one Texan near the Crawford ranch, too drunk or stupid to remember his name for attribution, ” If them sons of bitches didn’t get themselves kilt then no one would be all bothered by Dubya and the war.” Another local cowboy, after getting himself untangled from the confederate flag he was trying to unfurl, agreed. “I’ve supported every war we’ve ever had, even the one where we tried to get the fuck out of this country (the Civil War). What you Liberal Yankee scum don’t get bout Texans is that win or lose, right or wrong, we support someone else going to some dusty-assed foreign country to kill gooks or rag-heads to protect our right here at home to beat the tar outta hippie freaks.”
It was at first assumed that the drive-over was done by George W. Bush himself, who, after drinking a bit too much hot chocolate and getting a little crazy, decided to cruise on out and actually meet with Ms. Sheehan. Known for his automotive skills (in addition to a couple of DWIs, or Driving While Ignorant, his wife Laura once described on NPR how he drove through his garage door after she criticized one of his speeches), Mr. Bush would have been a perfect candidate, except everyone knows he was too afraid to meet with Ms. Sheehan, saying during a bike ride earlier in the week that the important thing for him was “to keep a balanced life”, presumably meaning that coming face to face with Ms. Sheehan, whose son Casey’s death was the result of his mistakes would make him unbalanced.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Although, I don’t have any proof, I personally think it was Karl (Rove) that done it. That ole boy has been hotter than Texas road tar bout this Sheehan thang. That little lady shore has put a burr under his saddle.” When asked why he was talking like a redneck, Waterhouse replied, ” It’s this here ranch, I reckon, After all, Dubya was born in Connecticut and he talks this way too.”