Monday, October 10, 2005
In a shocking statement issued earlier today, God, the Creator of the Universe, has formally cut all diplomatic and personal ties with United States President George W. Bush. In a Celestial Press Conference, God’s Voice, or Metatron as he/she/it is known on Earth said, “From this day forward he (Mr. Bush) shall be as one unknown to the Lord and he shall wander the Earth lost and alone, without succor or peace, and shall never again know the Glory of The Lord. In other words…he’s toast.”
The Celestial Press Conference (CPC), attended by reporters from the Christian Science Monitor, Imperator News Services and the Reverend Pat Robertson who was there vainly seeking to get his Celestial Press Pass re-instated in the wake of his advocating political assassination as a tool to further God’s Message of Love, was not expected to hold any real surprises; certainly no one present expected an announcement of such import. Normally, CPC’s are given over to routine matters such as how many angels fit on the heads of pins and how many pins fit in the head of Jerry Falwell, so no one was prepared for the Metatrons’ edict, which resulted in pandemonium.
Citing the fact that President Bush has gotten everything that He told him wrong, the Metatron told the assembled reporters that God had finally “just had enough of the little jerk” and was cutting him loose. In future, the Metatron continued, God would now speak only to the singer and noted Cabala practitioner Madonna. Sales of the singers albums and children’s books are expected to surge on the news.
For George W. Bush, already under intense pressure from his sagging poll numbers due to his miss-handling of the War in Iraq (which the Metatron called “the single most screwed up military strategy since Pickett’s Charge”), the response to Hurricane Katrina (“Nero did a better job saving Rome from burning”) as well as the bankrupting of the nation’s treasury, the rape of the environment, the gutting of Social Security and a host of other allegations, investigations and indictments of it’s chief supporters and advisors, the news couldn’t have come at a worse time. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I gotta admit, I feel sorry for the little guy (President Bush). Not too many people were talking to him already before this happened, so he really looked forward to his bull sessions with God. Now, with God not speaking to him either he just wanders around the West Wing looking so lost and alone. Even Laura doesn’t take his calls anymore.”