Congress Acts To Keep Teri Schiavo from Going To Heaven:
Conservative Christian groups are expressing shock and dismay over the passage of a Congressional bill to intervene in the case of Teri Schiavo, the Florida woman who has lingered in a constant vegetative state for fifteen years. Mrs. Schiavo’s husband has been trying to have the feeding tube that keeps her body alive removed so that she might finally pass on to Heaven, but her parents, Florida Governor Jeb Bush and his brother President George W. Bush, House of Representatives leader Tom DeLay all seem intent on keeping the poor woman away from her eternal reward as long as possible.
The Reverend Cleatus F. Masterson, head of the Holy Roller Rink and Church of the Red States said in an interview published in Baptist Life, “At first, and I’m talking about twelve or thirteen years ago, I was all for giving Mrs. Schiavo a chance to come out of her vegetative state, but after a decade or so of this I began to think that all’s we’re doing is keeping the poor woman from being with God in Heaven. I mean, what’s everybody so afraid of? Mrs. Schiavo seems to have been a good person and there doesn’t appear to be any reason she’d be condemned by God to the fires of Hell, so why not let her rest? It’s un-Christian, that’s what it is. As for George W. Bush and his brother Jeb, I’m beginning to think that all’s their interested in is getting Christian votes without actually doing the work of God.” The Rev. Masterson has since been detained by Homeland Security and is scheduled for a trip to Guantanamo Bay.
Pope John Paul II- Mums The Word:
Pope John Paul II was unable to speak a word during an appearance at the window of his apartment overlooking St. Peters Square in Vatican City. The ailing Pontiff pressed his hand to his head and pounded his lectern in frustration at not being able to verbally condemn homosexuality, women’s rights, contraception or safe sex.
George W. Bush- Thank God You’re Fat:
Recent studies have found that America’s rampant obesity epidemic will reduce the average life expectancy for the first time this country’s history. The average reduction in terms of life span could be as much as five years. President George W. Bush, who has been touring the country in hopes of pushing his wildly unpopular gutting of Social Security has taken to giving out Twinkies to attendees; the theory is that the fatter people get the sooner they’ll die and the more savings for the Social Security System.