Clinton Wins Early Money Primary, Receives Surprise Endorsement from Bush

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush, appearing alongside Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, made a surprise endorsement of her candidacy today at the White House. Clinton and her campaign, notable recent victors in what is described as the “first primary” after amassing $26 million, appeared stunned and were sent reeling by the endorsement.

“We were led to believe that the president wished to discuss options in regards to the recent Iraq war funding impasse between Congress and the White House,” stated a Clinton campaign spokesperson. “Then we get here and we’re surrounded by the press with cameras flashing, and he pulls an Angela Merkle on her. This is just the worst form of guerrilla warfare.”

“This should serve as a lesson to Democrats in Congress that seem to want to play politics with war funding,” stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. “The White House is prepared to endorse all Democratic candidates in kind until a suitable war funding bill is on the president’s desk for signature. Recent overtures from Senator Obama were a good start, but the president is prepared to play hardball on this issue.”

Washington observers noted that this appeared to signal a marked change in tactics from the White House in which they were attempting to use President Bush’s abysmal poll ratings and near toxic association to advantage. The White House threatened that it had many millions of dollars in a funding war chest left over from previous campaigns that it was prepared to donate publicly along with endorsements of both Democratic and Republican candidates, unless the president’s demands were met.

“The president has learned valuable lessons from the insurgency in Iraq,” stated Perino, “and if a surge in funding is what it takes to defeat the enemy in the current conflict, then so be it.”

Senate majority leader Harry Reid called on President Bush to immediately release Senator Clinton and the other presidential candidates that he had taken hostage. “The United States does not negotiate with terrorists,” concluded Reid.