National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice was forced to admit to the Senate confirmation committee that she and Osama bin Laden had been secretly engaged to be married during the summer before the 9/11 disaster. The wedding was postponed indefinitely after the tall, dark and certifiable Saudi lunatic was determined to be the mastermind of the terror attacks.
“Condi was devastated,” said Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, “she really believed that this was the guy. He had everything she was looking for in a man… money, power, his own private army and the ultimate Conservative Agenda. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Ever since then Condi hasn’t really smiled; she’s carrying a lot of hurt and pain, the poor thing. Personally, I think that why she’s been so aggressive in pursuing bin Laden, or at least Saddam, a woman scorned and all that. Of course, there has been talk that the reason no one has found bin Laden is that Condi is passing information to him that keeps him a step ahead of us; maybe true love never does die.”
President George (Nobody Fucks With My Bitch) Bush, reportedly incensed that the cuddly Condi had been treated so shabbily by bin Laden vowed to use all of America’s resources to bring the slimy Saudi to his knees. Unfortunately, the President attacked Iraq, mistakenly thinking that taking over a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 would pacify the jilted Security Advisor. “Condi just kept crying,” said Waterhouse, “The President was at his wits end. I remember him saying, ‘What else can I do? I really thought that getting Condi her own oil rich country to go with the oil tanker we named after her would do the trick. But nothing seems to work. She just mopes around the White House, bringing everyone down. Maybe she just needs a vacation. Let’s occupy Indonesia.”
It is unknown whether or not the affair will have any effect on the vote to confirm Ms. Rice as Secretary of State as the Republican majority on the committee are known to be incurable romantics and sympathetic to the willowy warrior princesses desire for revenge, but those notorious and uncaring Democratic Senators Barbara Boxer and John Kerry have already indicated that they will vote against the despondent Doctor’s nomination.