Washington, DC (UPSI) – Undisclosed sources within the FBI are acknowledging that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been unofficially designated a “person of interest” in the ongoing BALCO illegal steroid investigation. Olympic athlete Marion Jones recently admitted to having used performance-enhancing drugs supplied by the controversial San Francisco Bay area nutritional supplement company. Rice publicly denied using any drugs during a speech yesterday at The Council on Foreign Relations.
“Everything you see here is a result of hard work, exercise, and discipline,” stated an indignant Rice, raising her dress to reveal a set of sculpted abdominal muscles and bristling thighs. “The White House is not on drugs.”
White House press secretary Dana Perrino stated that the president was aware of the allegations and had every confidence in Ms. Rice. “The president is considering the FBI’s request for a drug screen of Ms. Rice,” stated Perrino, “but after consultation with White House counsel Fred Fielding, the request will likely be denied on the grounds of executive privilege.”
Administration critic and exercise physiologist Ann Drogen, PhD, stated that there was strong evidence for the suspicions regarding Ms. Rice. “Volatility, verbal aggression, distorted thought processes, and severe mood swings are all signs of steroid abuse,” stated Drogen. “The administration’s entire stance in the Middle East is actually quite suspect.”
House majority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the Bush administration to cooperate fully with authorities, promising a stern letter of warning if it did not.