Congress Passes Teri Shavio's Law Outlawing Death

Unconfirmed sources report that the Congress has passed Teri’s Law. Under the provisions of the new law death itself will be outlawed. The law was passed in response to the death of the unfortunate Teri Schavio. Congressional Republicans vowed to never let anyone else suffer her same fate and this law provides for stiff penalties for any one who dies. The law is being greeted by many with joy and satisfaction, while others view the eventual costs of the law with suspicion.

“This is exactly what America needs.” Said Erma Billings, of the beautiful and charming town of Chillicothe, Ohio. “Death is such a nasty business, I’m glad the Congress has taken a stand against it. I mean really, death is killing thousands of people a year and it’s about time someone did something about it. I have to say it’s a great relief to me, I’m 87, and I wasn’t looking forward to being dead.”

“I voted against this bill, and I will bear the consequences.” Stated Ben Hitchens, the junior Senator from Michigan. “The cost of keeping all these old farts alive indefinitely is going to break the federal budget. If you think Medicare and Social Security are in trouble now just do the math if nobody dies anymore. People can plan for a 20 or 30 year retirement, but after 50 or a 100 years, who is going to pay the bills? Future generations of Americans are not going to be able to pay for us as we enjoy indefinite retirements. If a plan like this is going to work we are going to have to end Social Security or raise the retirement age to 300, pick one. ”

“The President will sign this bill and usher in a new age of peace and prosperity in America.” Announced White House spokesman Ben Lion. “The President has decided to sign the bill surrounded by a group of Pro-life activists that have been fighting for this bill for years. The President is committed to supporting a culture of life and is proud to make a stand against death in all its forms. Once the President signs this law people across the nation will no longer live in fear of death. And further the President is determined to back an anti-death constitutional Amendment to enshrine the principle of eternal life into the Bill of Rights.”