Congress to fix economic crisis by outlawing poverty

WASHINGTON, D.C.–With the stroke of a pen, Congressional leaders plan to fix the economic crisis. The Criminalization of Poverty Act is expected to pass through the House and Senate this week, going to the President’s desk to be signed into law.

“We figured we might as well use our legislative powers to just fix the economic crisis once and for all, in the same way minimum wage laws really work and aren’t counterproductive,” said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “We decided that we would just make poverty illegal.”

Congressional staffers are saying that outlawing poverty would go a long ways towards fixing the economy, since poor people would be arrested and imprisoned and would no longer be a part of the unemployed labor force.

“The penalties will become more severe the poorer you are. If you make less than $50,000, you will receive a $20,000 fine and a 30-day jail sentence. If you make $20,000 or less, the fine goes up to $30,000 and 60 days in jail. If you make nothing, you may not make it out of prison alive,” said Congressman John Boehner.

President Bush has called this a great plan to stimulate economic growth. President-elect Barack Obama agrees with President Bush.

“If we can magically raise wages by fiat through minimum wage laws, inlawing prosperity, then why can’t we accomplish the same thing by just outlawing poverty?” asked President-elect Obama. “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this one before.”