Unconfirmed sources report that dozens of Democratic lawmakers have been rushed to hospitals across the nation. The lawmakers are undergoing an extensive battery of tests to get to the bottom of this partisan medical mystery. Doctors and specialist refused to speak specifically about what they are looking for, but our sources indicate that they are examining tiny bone-like growths that have been detected in many lawmakers’ backs.
This medical mystery began to unfold several days ago when a Democratic member of the house apparently felt a tiny lump in his back. The representative ignored the bump for a few days until his wife noticed the ‘bump’ had become slightly elongated. The unnamed lawmaker then called his doctor who immediately admitted the man for observation. The man’s doctors examined the ‘bump’ and determined that the growth was of a hard bony nature.
As word of the lawmakers condition spread through the Democratic caucus other members admitted that they too had noticed similar ‘bumps’ appearing on their own backs. This caused a small panic as Democratic lawmakers rushed to their own physicians to have the ‘bumps’ examined. An special medical taskforce was then put into place to determine the cause of the mysteries bony growths. This special team amassed data including MRIs and X-Rays from the lawmakers to determine the cause of their conditions.
The doctors of the taskforce held an emergency press conference to late last night to reveal their findings to the American people. Dr. Joseph Linkletter read a prepared statement to the assembled media.
“After examining the medical records of some five dozen Democratic lawmakers we have discovered that all have a rapidly growing bony structure located in their backs. These bony structures are segmented and they appear to stretch from the pelvis all the way to the skull. While our tests are still in the early stages I would say that is looks like these Democratic lawmakers are growing a backbone.”