Nick Vachon, a virtually unknown scientist but well known satire writer, claims he has discovered that not only is burning fossil fuels causing global climate change, but the very act of removing the oil from the ground is also contributing to the phenomenon.
“You see”, Vachon stated, “the Earth doesn’t waste anything. Nothing is there simply waiting for us to come along and use it. Oil has a function. Call it the ‘blood of the Earth’ if you will. It helps to regulate the planet’s temperature. By removing the oil from the Earth we are draining the planet of its lifeblood and causing global catastrophe!”
Vachon stated that he has no proof of his assertion and this causes many ‘real’ scientists to dismiss his claims as mere speculation.
“Vachon is full of shit”, said Harvard professor Sergie Hadenuff. “I’ve spent 30 years teaching this stuff so don’t tell me that he knows something I don’t!”
“Absolutely False!”, said Mobil Oil Corporation spokesperson Wilma Itchabee.
UCLA researcher Brian Alfalfa was not as quick to dismiss Vachon’s claims so quickly. “Hey, ya know something. He might be right!”
Alfalfa later disclosed that he is an ornithologist and knows little of the mechanics behind global climate change.
Vachon said there is no way to test his hypothesis without millions of dollars in grant money.
“Um…Maybe we should just forget I said anything”, Vachon said.