Crashes, Asses And No Passes- Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs- Sunday, September 29, 2008

A Bridge To Freedom

The Bush Department of Justice (DOJ), in a backdoor move has found a novel way to help Alaska Senator Ted Steven’s win his bribery trial. Realizing that 90% of them will be out of a job in January if Barak Obama wins the presidential election or conversely, that no one’s gonna be axed if John McCain wins, they’ve decided to throw the trial. Also, having Ted Steven’s in his seat to vote against any investigation of them would be a pretty good idea.

Hoping to get a mistrial declared, the DOJ sent Robert Williams, the VECO employee who was the supervisor on the renovation project at the center of the trial, back to Alaska for an extended moose hunt, citing Mr. William’s health problems and assuring the judge in the case, Emmet Sullivan, that, “Witness? We don’t need no stinking witnesses.”

To the DOJ’s consternation, the judge refused to declare a mistrial, forcing the government to come up with even more creative ways to torpedo themselves.

Desperately Seeking Sarah (to quit)

Despite increasingly desperate pleas from GOP party stalwarts, Arizona Senator John McCain is still refusing to dump his running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. McCain told ABC’s “this Week”, They (the sane wing of the Republican Party) can complain. I’ll rely on the American people. After all, they were stupid enough to elect George W. Bush for two terms, and he knew even less than Sarah about foreign policy. Not to mention that She’s brought a kind of excitement that makes you think that campaigns can be an exciting trip. ( someone’s tripping, that seems obvious) Anyway, she can pronounce Ama..Ahmidin…that Iranian guy’s name better than me.”

It’s Too Late Baby, Now It’s Too Late

The Dow Jones Stock market is crashing as I write this- at this point down 500 points- on news that Republican lawmakers in Congress, by a vote of 226 to 207, are refusing to go along with the financial rescue package. Oil prices have dropped 10% and all the major international currencies are falling. The fear is now that even if 20 more GOP lawmakers gets their fucking shit together, it would still not be enough to repair the damage they’ve already caused by their posturing and grandstanding. There is no joke here folks- it might just be the end of the world as we know it.