Cruise Announces Lawsuit against Paramount: Cites Religious Persecution

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) – Appearing at a press conference today with Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise announced that he had reluctantly decided to sue Paramount Studios over the recent termination of his production company’s long-standing contract. The normally reclusive Hubbard, at age 95 and long rumored to be dead, felt that the issue was important enough to stand in a show of support for Cruise.

Hubbard stated that Cruise’s long-standing generosity towards the church was under a significant threat by Paramount’s actions against Cruise/Wagner productions.

Summer Redstone executives have publicly stated that they have had no concerns over Cruise’s professionalism as an actor, but were more concerned with concessions that had to be made off-screen in regards to his religious practices. They cited these problems as being the likely cause for flagging box office and DVD sales.

“We will put the full might of the Church of Scientology behind this lawsuit,” stated Hubbard. “This country was founded on the premise that people should not suffer persecution as a result of their religion.”

It is unclear how much financial weight Hubbard will be able to divert to this latest front on what he describes as a jihad on Scientology. The secretive sect has been engaged in an ongoing and draining war against the practice of psychiatry for the last 20 years. Church officials have been evasive as well about the medical and scientific costs of maintaining their 95-year-old deceased founder Hubbard. Independent investigative studies report the church’ s expenditures for liquid helium alone as being in the millions every year.

Hubbard, speaking afterwards to reporters, stated that he was in fact dead and has been all along, insisting that this was not some elaborate tax dodging scheme. Hubbard earlier in life was noted to have taken to the seas in a vast flotilla in order to avoid prosecution by the IRS.

Tom Cruise stated that he was, “honored by the Admiral’ s presence and support.”

“I would offer to you the words of the Admiral’ s successor, David Miscavige,” stated Cruise. “In his eulogy he said, “Ron has not actually died, but rather progressed to a level above human. He has unlocked the mysteries of life, and given us the tools so that we can free ourselves and our fellow man.” And thus continues the story of the greatest man who ever died… er… lived.”

Cruise announced that irrespective of the outcome of the lawsuit, plans were underway at Cruise/Wagner productions for a documentary project depicting the ongoing life and death of Hubbard. He stated that they were close to sealing a deal in which Hubbard would likely portray himself.