Cure for All Known Illnesses Found; Banned

(UnitedStatesofAmerica) Shortly after Dr. Julius Tish allegedly discovered a cure for all known ailments, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in conjunction with some of the world’s largest pharmaceutical makers banned the product.

Dr. Tish had discovered in 2003 that a simple compound he created in his home lab to stimulate the immune system cured his osteoarthritis. Shortly afterwards he began experimenting with other people suffering from illnesses ranging from AIDS to cancer and found they all recovered quickly from their illnesses with no negative side effects.

He soon discovered that his product reverses aging, cures skin rashes, reverses Alzheimer’s, promotes healing, cures allergies, regenerates damaged internal organs, restores hair growth, banishes obesity, develops and maintains muscle tone and cures mental illness.

“Just because a few people were cured that doesn’t mean the product should be marketed!” exclaimed FDA Chairman Andrew von Eschenbach. “This product would destabilize the economy, put millions of health care workers out of work, destroy the pharmaceutical industry, create widespread starvation from overpopulation and force medical device manufacturers into bankruptcy!”

The product was opposed not only by the FDA but also from pharmaceutical companies such as Johnson & Johnson, GlaxoSmithKline, Bristol-Meyers Squibb, Genentech, Allergen, Pfizer, Abbott Laboratories, Chiron Corp, Sepracor, Vertex Pharmaceuticals and many others.

Dr. Tish, who looked much younger than his 72 years, claimed he was going to pursue his research overseas.

Ironically, as Dr. Tish was leaving his home this morning he was accidentally run over and killed by a spokesperson for Bristol-Meyers Squibb.

In a related development, a tragic fire burned down Dr. Tish’s home this morning. All his computers and related files were destroyed in the blaze. Patent attorneys were unable to locate any copies of the documents.