Cure for all known viruses found; Human Testing to Begin in 10 Years

In a remarkable breakthrough, researchers from MIT’s Lincoln Laboratory have discovered a cure for all known viruses including H1N1, Polio, AIDS, Ebola, influenza and even the common cold. Despite the drug’s lack of toxicity and inexpensive cost, human testing won’t begin for at least another 10 years.

“Why ten years you ask?” asked Todd Rider, senior scientist at Lincoln Laboratory. “It’s because viruses are BIG BUSINESS! Viruses are the number one cause of hospitalization in the US. The insurance companies control everything we say and do! It would cost the country a trillion dollars if we release this cure to the general public!”

The drug called DRACO (for double-stranded RNA activated caspase oligomerizers) uses the body’s natural defense system against viruses causing infected cells to commit “suicide” while leaving healthy cells alone. So far the drug has been used to successfully cure viruses in mice, rats, rabbits, dogs, cats, chimpanzees, Rhesus monkeys, bats, newts, horses, elephants and Tasmanian devils.

“Could you imagine the financial ramifications if this drug became available to the general public?” asked FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, MD. “Our hospitals would empty out, insurance costs would drop, cold medication and pharmaceutical companies would lose stock, expensive AIDS medications would no longer be needed and the entire world would be thrown into economic upheaval! We are hoping that in ten years the economy will be more stable and we will be able to start human testing on this drug.”

President Obama also stated that the drug needs more testing because there appeared to be a slight reaction when the drug was applied to newts. “From what I understand”, the president stated, “newts experienced side effects such as excitability. We must make sure this drug does not have that effect on people before we can administer this drug!”

Nearly every pharmaceutical make has also expressed a desire to suppress the product. “Why find a cure for viruses when we already have products that will relieve the symptoms?” asked Vicks, Inc. spokesperson Joshua Haden. Vicks manufactures Nyquil and other cold medicine products.

Though human testing won’t begin for another ten years, the product has proven to be a godsend to animals such as mice, rats, rabbits, dogs, cats, chimpanzees, Rhesus monkeys, bats, newts, horses, elephants and Tasmanian devils.