DeLay Throws Tantrum on TV

Washington – House Majority Leader Tom DeLay rolled on the floor, kicking and screaming because his name had been taken in vain in an episode of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” last week. During an interview with Fox’s Tom Orally on his “Flare and Blanched” program, DeLay told Orally that he had only entertained blond “bimbos” and taken money, free trips, and lavish meals “to protect the country from immorality.”

“I’m an uptight rigid guy,” DeLay said. “To have my name associated with common criminals is a bad joke.”

The controversy arose after “Law and Order” ran an episode in which a politician wearing a “Free Tom DeLay” T-shirt bribed a federal judge, shot ducks with a Supreme Court justice who was hearing his case, and stole snacks from the Congressional lunchroom.

The TV show’s writer found DeLay’s accusation unwarranted. “No one in their right mind would wear a Tom DeLay T-shirt,” said Joe Writer. “The guy has a reputation like Darth Vader; he’s a joke.”

“Making fun of people just because they advocate killing judges or take bribes is totally unacceptable,” DeLay told Orally. “The trivialization of my sensitive nature, my support from the KKK and NRA, and my efforts to cut wages for American workers is bad for public intercourse.”

“I can only assume that picking on me is a response to comments I made about eliminating rigid laws so our GOP supporters don’t have to worry about needless government interference and the President can do anything he wants,” said DeLay.

DeLay is an outspoken critic of all progressive legislation passed in the last 100 years, including women’s rights, the abolition of racial profiling, and the poll tax, and he is a valiant supporter of the U.S. occupation of the rest of the world that can, in his words, “benefit from the strong firm hand of our Christian republic.”

Joining DeLay’s attack on “Law & Order,” Henry Hydebound, R-Il. defended the U.S. House now in its seventh year of not investigating ethics violations by Republicans. The recent move to eliminate the ethics committee, after it obtained evidence of DeLay selling votes and taking bribes, was driven by “a vast liberal conspiracy,” Hydebound said. “We in Washington make no apologies for our lack of ethics. We only tried to impeach Clinton because he wasn’t beholden enough to business.”

Hydebound and DeLay said government support of business is vital because business can’t make it on its own, and they threatened to abolish the Democratic Party if they don’t go along with GOP “friendly to business”programs. The Government Accounting Office revealed that large corporations daily propose approximately 10,000 new laws to reduce their taxes and increase their profits on government contracts. These laws, Hydebound explained, are essential to prosperity and if the Democrats intervene, Attorney General Albertoe “Torture Chamber” Gonzales will find Constitutional loopholes to punish them.

“Congress may lock out the Democrats,” DeLay said. “We already freeze them out of most decisions. Or we might have them arrested for wanting to debate bills.”

“Making fun of Tommy DeLay for a few breaches of ethics will not stop us from turning this country back to the era of Calvin Coolidge,” Hydebound added.

Responding to questions from Orally about the “Free Tom DeLay” T-shirts, DeLay explained they were left over from his extermination business in Texas. “We needed rags for cleanup after getting rid of pesky opponents,” DeLay said. “These T-shirts from China were cheap so we bought tons of them.”

DeLay admitted that he has been warned repeatedly about ethics violations, and his best friends have been in dicted for illegal campaign contributions, but he pointed out that he has never been convicted of a crime. “I predict that my friends on the Supreme Court will never catch me,” DeLay said. “Clarence Thomas? Give me a break ..”.

DeLay refused to comment on the February murder of the mother and husband of a federal judge who were slain by a deranged campaign worker who once appeared in courtroom wearing a Tom DeLay T-shirt.

“At my prayer meeting in the House this morning, the President pardoned me,” DeLay said at the end of the TV show. “I did nothing very wrong.”

Copyright 2005, Don Monkerud