Washington, DC (APE) – Spontaneous celebrations erupted across the nation this morning as Americans heralded the triumph of democracy in the bloodless overthrow of the oppressive six-year illegal regime of the Bush administration. Staving off a swelling mudslide from Republican opponents, Democrats today declared victory in capturing both seats of government as a cleansing blue tsunami of voter discontent swept through Washington. Barring last-minute attempts at tampering and legal machinations in recounts, the Democrats declared victory in the last two hotly contested Senate races in Montana and Virginia, giving them the six seats necessary to assume control of the Senate. Earlier in the evening, Democrats had easily assumed control of the House of Representatives with a net gain of 28 seats. In the early hours of the morning at a Democratic celebration the new Speaker of the House Democrat Nancy Pelosi, delightedly declared “VB Day”, or “Victory over Bush Day”.
A last-ditch 10 state tour effort by the president designed to “energize his base” seemed to have backfired for the White House, as the only bases that became energized appeared to be military bases and service families. Exit polling suggested that the citizen G.I. sent the president an overwhelming referendum on his embattled secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld. National guardsmen were seen actually participating in some of the jubilation on the national Mall in Washington, DC that they were assigned to maintain order during. A Virginia National Guard tank maintenance unit, just back from its sixth tour in Iraq, was seen assisting the crowd on the lawn outside the Capitol building in tearing down a newly erected Halliburton sponsored statue honoring George W. Bush for his leadership in the war in Iraq.
President Bush was scheduled to address the nation at 1 p.m. today. White House press Secretary Tony Snow urged caution from Americans, insisting that all votes had not been counted correctly, and that this would not be a concessionary speech. “The president will stress the importance of showing no quarter in the ongoing war that grips our nation,” stated Snow, “and he will stress the need for bipartisanship in the ongoing war in Iraq as well. Any attempts by the new Democratic leadership to bog this war president down with needless subpoenas, hearings, or oversight will be met with swift veto retribution… and no signing statements.”
“This is a wake-up call to the Republican Party,” said Republican Senator and potential 2008 presidential candidate John McCain of Arizona, “and I would implore the president to not just hit the snooze bar.”