Department of Home Land Security Declares Washington D.C. "Irony Free Zone"

Unconfirmed sources report that Department of Home Land Security Chief Michael Chertoff has banned the use of irony in the D.C. area until further notice. Chertoff acted quickly to head off a massive wave of irony that threatened to engulf the Bush administration. Experts agree that Chertoff’s swift actions averted a nation tragedy that could have destroyed the fine balance between the government and the media.

The trouble began a few days ago when Newsweek, a left leaning news magazine, ran a story about the desecration of the Quran by American servicemen while they were torturing Iraqi detainees. After much controversy and pressure by the Bush administration Newsweek retraced the part of the story that described the destruction of a Quran. In a statement released by the White House the President re-affirmed his position “that while it is ok for American troops to kill and torture Iraqi detainees it is not ok to destroy their reading material.”

The President also blasted Newsweek for running a story with faulty intelligence and poor sourcing. The President is reportedly upset that Newsweek told lies, stretched the truth and ‘fixed’ the fact around a story they wanted to run.

The potential irony crisis deepened as the President vowed to veto legislation that would encourage life saving research with embryonic stem cells left over from in-vitro fertilization. The cells represent ‘potential kids’ that he says must be protected. The President promised to protect these frozen cells while his current budget cuts spending on actual ‘living kids’.

“Thank God for Michael Chertoff.” Said one White House staffer. “Just think of the trouble the country would be in if the public were exposed to one tenth of the irony that threatens us.”

While the ban it temporary insiders believe that the ban will last until at least the 2006 mid-term elections and maybe until the next presidential election in 2008.