(Washington, D.C.) While the administration officially may not condone stem cell research, a considerable portion of Vice President Dick Cheney’s 2005 retirement investment portfolio is in The Dog Parts Store, an Argentina based business alleging to have replaceable dog legs, eyes, paws and just about anything else canine and detachable or re-attachable, so says The Smoking Gun.
The information was obtained from a discarded investment statement of the Vice President. The Dog Parts store, traded on the DAX exchange under ticker symbol HUND, has a 35% position in Cheney’s 2005 ROTH I.R.A. Unlike standard administration procedure, mumble then invoke national security, White House Press Secretary Tony “I now sweat more than Richard Nixon during the 1960 Presidential debates.” Snow admitted the investment.
“Yes. Vice President Dick Cheney has a stake in the Buenos Aries based business. But I assure you this business is not doing stem cell research,” said Snow in his afternoon press briefing. “My understanding from the company’s prospectus is that they remove limbs for deceased dogs and sew them on live dogs, should they need them.” A follow-up question of how the Vice President could invest in such a company was met with “I think we can all agree that making a bad investment isn’t against the law. Who here didn’t load up on Time-Warner/AOL in 2000. I mean, it’s not like he shot someone.”
Calls to the 95 year old head of “research” at The Dog Part Store, Jose Menegelez, by The Smoking Gun yielded little further information, since Meneglez only spoke remedial Spanish and, for some reason, fluent German. The office of the Vice President issued the following written statement on behalf of Dick Cheney, “I know nothing.”
Attempting to do some pre-midterm election damage control, President Bush was vocal on the issue. “If these dogs are, in fact, having extra legs put on them, that just doesn’t make any sense. Where would they put the extra leg ?”
Former Presidential candidate John Kerry wanted to say something. However, he is still under a gag order by the DNC.
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