Dick Cheney Withdraws from Race: Endorses John Kerry

Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has withdrawn as George W. Bush’s running mate in the Presidential Race, citing the President’s and his differing views on Gay Marriage and the fact that Mr. Bush is “really quite the little weenie.”

Mr. Cheney, made the announcement from his new Greenwich Village loft apartment, flanked by Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres and Carson Kressley from ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’. Sporting a button that said “My Baby is Gay and that’s OK”, Mr. Cheney said, “Look, while the President and I agree on some things, our total love of Big Oil and the need to own Iraq to name just two, I cannot in good conscience support a candidate that would prohibit my daughter from marrying the woman she loves. I mean, why can’t we all just live and let live? I know people think I’m an arrogant prick and I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a Socially Liberal arrogant prick. That little wacko (President Bush) is just hanging around waiting for the Rapture. What a nut.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I’ve gotta be honest, we were a little shocked when Dick (Dick) Cheney withdrew from the race. After all, Dick (Dick) was really the heart of our Neo-Con Agenda. Iraq, Tax Cuts for the Rich, Missile Defense, rampant Destruction of the Environment…nearly everything that we hold dear, came from Dick (Dick) Cheney. I can’t believe that the whole things gonna fall apart because the Vice President decided that he loves his muff diving daughter more than President Bush. It’s crazy.”

President Bush, deprived of his brain by Mr. Cheney’s departure has been said to be seen wandering around the halls of the White House moaning, crying and shouting, “Dick, where’s the bathroom? Dick, Where’s The Bathroom?” While Administration Officials publicly express great hopes for the President’s new Halderol regimen, worries are that the loading dose won’t take effect before the next Presidential Debate.

As if Mr. Cheney’s departure were not enough of a blow to the President’s Re-Election Campaign, Mr. Cheney has now openly endorsed Senator John Kerry, citing as his reasons, ” I saw the first Debate and I was so embarrassed that I was in any way connected with that pompous little jerk that I just had to back Anybody But Bush.”