Unconfirmed sources report that scientists have discovered a direct correlation between alcohol and attractiveness. The involuntary study has been active for the past 10 years and shows no sign of stopping with either the scientists or the public in general.
“We were all just sitting around one day, taking a break from work, when the topic of sexual conquests came up,” offers Michael Bond, an apprentice research scientist with the Robotics Research Lab of the University of South Carolina. “From me losing my virginity to a girl who needed not one, but TWO paper bags over her head to Ray [Raymond Clarke] winding up in bed with Olga [Scheitel] the night of his twenty-third birthday party, there were several instances in our sexual histories that are marred by alcohol.” Bond paused, then added, “I mean, Olga. That’s pretty low.”
“She kept feeding me shots,” offers Clarke in his defense. “I think I was on my eighth shot of Jack Daniel’s when she started groping my nuts. Since she got me so plastered, I figured I’d might as well let her get her fun in.” Upon hearing this, Bond interjected, “Dude, it’s Olga, for Chrissakes!” After regaining his composure, Bond announced the hypothesis. “Everybody’s heard of ‘Beer Goggle Syndrome.’ We’ve finally used science to back it up. Our conclusions found that the more shit faced you are, the hotter the beast you’re chatting up is going to be.”
While only newly officially recognized by the world of science, Beer Goggle Syndrome has plagued people for as long as alcohol itself has been distilled. It is, however, only harmful to one’s pride. “Everybody likes sex, right?” asks Clarke. “So long as the Syndrome is still in total effect, you might as well enjoy the ride. Make sure, however, that your conquest leaves as soon as possible post-coitus. It’s like Cinderella: at 7:00 A.M., Claudia Schiffer will turn into Olga Scheitel. Dear God, Olga!”
Scheitel, however, has different memories from that night. “Christ, I can’t believed I fucked Ray Clarke. I was positive I was trying to seduce Brad Verbrughe. Why else would I have bought eight shots of Jack Daniel’s for him?” Upon hearing that Verbrughe did not attend the festivities that night, Scheitel simply replied, “Chalk one up for Beer Goggle Syndrome.”