Washington — The very last person left in the White House, Jorge Lopez, the kitchen dishwasher, submitted his resignation and today, following the disappearance of official dog Barney, the President and his wife, Laura are the sole occupants of an empty White House.

It’s a bewildering and unsettling experience for the presidential couple. With the official valet gone, the President does not have his daily suit and clothing laid out, and does not know which to select from among the hundred and sixty or so in the closet. The presidential bed remains unmade as clean sheets can’t be located and the presidential suite bathroom is out of toilet paper.

It’s been a long time since Laura cooked a meal, but following the mass resignation of the sixty-person kitchen staff, the garbage piles up as Laura explores the massive walk-in cooler and finds huge sides of beef ready to be cut into steaks and cases of other food, but no eggs to scramble for breakfast. The operation of the restaurant-size commercial stove remains a mystery, and the lonely couple are subsisting on delivered pizzas and Oreos.

In the hundreds of deserted White House offices the silence is eerie as teletypes click, computer screens flash, and printers spew paper on the floor.

In desperation, the President picked up the phone to alert the Air Force One crew to fly the pair to Crawford, but silence. No White House telephone operator.

A shaken President sits immobilized in his office. He can’t make a statement as his speech writers and advisors have fled. No one is arriving with glowing bulletins about how well the Iraq war is going. Even the morning coffee carafe is empty.

Upstairs, her hair disheveled and without makeup, Laura weeps as she constantly presses the official call button and no one appears.

With utter silence coming from the White House foreign heads of state are not being insulted, inane speeches are not being delivered, Exorbitant sums of funding for the war are not being requested, Congressional bills to repair the country’s infrastructure are going through without veto, and the general mood and outlook of the public is more cheerful and upbeat.