United States President George W. Bush traveled to Bethesda Naval Hospital for his annual physical examination. Happily for Americans and the Free World, whose citizens had been holding candle light vigils for the last week, praying for the Father of Us All’s good health, Mr. Bush was given a clean bill of health. However, doctors have found one worrying development.
Physicians at Bethesda have kept Mr. Bush’s brain at the hospital in order to perform additional tests after several disturbing anomalies were discovered in the President’s thought processes. While doctors admit that these oddities in the Commander in Chief’s cognitive abilities have always existed, the phenomena appears to be becoming more pronounced.
One doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained, “Ever since we first started examining Mr. Bush, we were able to discern an inexplicable set of cognitive pathways that the President’s mind used in our problem solving tests. Electrodes affixed to Mr. Bush’s scalp were used to monitor electrical impulses in his brain in order to determine whether or not the President’s thought process was the same as mere mortal Americans. Quite frankly, we were stunned. When the President was asked a question, his head would snap upward and to the left and his eyes would go blank, as if he was listening to something, rather than actually thinking or pondering.
“At first we thought he was listening to the Voice of God, but the electrical responses were quite different from, say, Jerry Falwell’s, Pat Robertson’s or Ayatollah Khomeini’s…you know, guys who think that God tells them what’s up. Surprisingly, that wasn’t the case. What was odd was that when asked a question, the electrodes indicated that all electrical activity ceased. I mean, completely. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Mr. Bush didn’t answer the questions directly. Karl Rove, who always accompanies him to these testing sessions, would answer for the President claiming that somehow, George Bush channels his answers through him. It’s really quite astounding. No wonder Mr. Bush won’t fire him.”
Doctors asked Mr. Bush if they would be able to keep his brain a bit longer to conduct
additional tests and permission was granted. Apparently the President didn’t feel that his brain would be needed anytime soon. Mr. Rove was also asked if researchers could hold onto his brain for a few days as well, but that request was refused with Mr. Rove claiming that he used it all the time.