Donald Rumsfeld Disputes Latest Pentagon Report

Thursday, January 26, 2006

United States Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld sharply reputed an unreleased Pentagon commissioned report that warns of the need for more troops in both Iraq and Afghanistan and worries that the military now consists of “a thin green line” and that falling enlistments will only make matters worse in the coming years.

Mr. Rumsfeld, while admitting he hadn’t actually read the report, disputed what he imagned it’s findings to be, saying that the Defense Department has already come up with a plan to augment troop strength on the battlefield without using more American troops. “Hessians”, explained Mr. Rumsfeld, “Historically, many countries have used paid mercenary forces to increase troop levels. Since the Swiss Guard is all taken up by the Vatican, we’ve decided to follow Great Britain’s lead on this one and are putting out a call for as many Hessian troops as we can find. We’re also looking at using Genoese bowmen, even though they didn’t perform too well at the battle of Crecy, but we still blame that on the French.”

When questioned as to why Mr. Rumsfeld thought the results of the Pentagon study were false, the architect of the United States’ sparkling military policy in Iraq explained, “What the hell does the Pentagon know about military matters? I’m the Secretary of Defense, not those bozo’s. I’m the one who spent three