Donald Rumsfeld's Plea: Send Our Troops Your Scrap Metal

Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, who earlier promised a quick response to the question posed to him in Kuwait by Tennessee National Guard Specialist Thomas Wilson, has announced the latest initiative in the Green Army Recycling Program (GARP). The Pentagon will shortly be sending the few troops left in the United States door to door to collect Americans scrap metal to send to the troops in Iraq.

Mr. Rumsfeld spoke as he finally wiped the last of the egg off his face after the question and answer period with his troops, “Our American Forces are the most resourceful soldiers on Earth and I believe there’s no end to what they can accomplish as long as they have the supplies they need, and while we’re manufacturing scrap metal in the form of blown out Humvees and supply trucks as fast as we can , the Army just doesn’t have all the scrap metal we need to keep our troops safe. Therefore we’re asking all Americans to sacrifice for the War Effort by donating any scrap steel they may have laying around in their backyards to the troops. We know, for example that especially in the Red States there are a great many junked cars and refrigerators just sitting around on peoples front lawns and porches. These supplies are vital to the War Effort, so we’re asking: support your troops…give em your old Chevy and Frigidaire.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” You see, this is why we kept Donny in the Defense post when everybody said he was a senile old whacko. That guy can sure come up with novel solutions to some of the most vexing problems facing the Administration. Everyone at home complains of pollution and all the troops in Iraq complain they’re getting killed, so why not kill two birds with one stone? Now, I know that asking Bubba in Alabama to part with his old junked Ford F 250 is just about gonna kill him even if the things been up on blocks for ten years and is nothing more than a big planter sitting in the front yard but this is War man, and we all have to do our part. We in the White House already did our part by sending these guys into battle unprotected; now it’s the publics turn to help.”

Bubba in Alabama, speaking on the condition that nobody told his pals at the Dew Drop Inn that he knew what the word anonymity meant as it would make him sound like a Pointy Headed Yankee Liberal said, “well shit, I voter fer the little feller (Bush), or I woulda if I hadn’t been drinkin all the night before and was too hung over to get to the polls, and I want to what I can to Support the Troops, but those fuckers better not try to touch the pickup. Why, that there truck is almost cherry…it just needs a front end, engine, new gas tank, doors, windshield and floor boards, some tires and a new rear end and it’ll be like new, sorta.”