Doomsday Clock Goes Nuclear

Washington, DC (APE) – The doomsday clock, the symbolic timepiece maintained by the magazine, “The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists” which monitors the theoretical threat of global nuclear catastrophe has been replaced by a fully functional high-tech atomic timepiece. A spokesperson for the magazine stated that the high-tech makeover was long overdue, and that the added functions of the new device should provide an even more powerful message to a computer savvy generation.

The group stated in a news release that the clock would be set at five minutes until midnight, or 11:55 p.m. representing an advance of two minutes progression towards nuclear disaster from the old symbolic analog clock. They speculated that the clock’s automatic recalculation was more likely related to last-minute angry rhetoric from the Bush administration rather than any nuclear programs in Iran or North Korea.

“Many children can’t even read a clock face, so the concept of advancing hands on a timepiece means very little to them. Today’s faster paced generation tends to follow through with things at the last minute, so we’ve also added a feature that calculates doomsday to the split-second.” stated the release.

The release goes on to claim that the new clock is fully functional, and automatically remains synchronized with International Atomic Time. Doomsday is also displayed and individually calculated for all time zones throughout the world. The timepiece also takes advantage of the Internet, coordinating with the computational power of millions of individual computers online to produce a theoretical date for Armageddon which is also displayed. The predicted ambient temperature for Ground Zero at the time of annihilation is also displayed alternately in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. The most recent up-to-the-minute calculation for doomsday appears to be Monday, February 26 of this year.

“We hope that this will be a stark reminder for a digital generation that has not known the fear of possible nuclear annihilation,” stated an editor for the magazine. “We place all of our hope in the youth of the world. Right now they are probably the only ones who are capable of resetting or reprogramming this thing.”