Dubai Ports World To Take Over Management Of Abu Ghraib Prison

March 11, 2006

In the wake of its pullout from the deal that would have given it control of six major US ports, United States President George W. Bush, worried that relations with our allies in the Middle East would suffer as a result of the fact that Americans are terrified of Arabs, has decided to make amends to the UAE. While the ports deal caused a political firestorm, the President is hoping that his latest idea, the ceding of control of Abu Ghraib Prison to Dubai Ports World will meet with far less resistance from the American public in general and Congress in particular. He may just be right.

Initial reactions from the same members of the Senate and the House of Representatives who raised such a ruckus about Arab guys running American ports seem to bear out the President’s theory. Representative Landrieu G. Grabber (R. Sand Flats, AL.) said, “Look son, I understand that we have to show our President that we support him, but there was no way could have supported them Emirs running our ports after we’ve spent the last five years telling our constituents that you just can’t trust them Arabs. We would’ve looked just plain stupid. On the other hand, all them pictures of torture and abuse from Abu Ghraib don’t haven’t seemed to have had any effect on the President’s standing in my district.”

Congressman Land Grabber went on, ” So, since no one in America cares we do to Arabs, it makes sense that no one will care what Arabs do to each other either. Let Dubai Ports World take over the prison if it helps the President. But for God’s sake, can’t he just ban cameras from there or something?”

Democrats, hoping that Ports World fiasco would have given them ammunition to use against the President in the months leading up to the mid-term elections but were disappointed by the UAE pullout are now completely flummoxed by the new announcement. One New York Senator, whose name has been withheld due to Presidential aspirations said, “Fuck, the little shit pulled it out again.”

Public reaction seems to be positive as well. The Reverend Festus P. Hyman of the Church of the Five Cent Redemption in Billings, Montana, a normally strong supporter of Mr. Bush who recently had been worrying that his trust had been miss-placed was wildly enthusiastic. “While I and my congregation abhor torture in any form and at any time, except for Abortion doctors and any woman evil enough to have been raped and gotten pregnant and still not wanting to keep the baby of course, we do recognize the need wrap a wet towel around a terrorists face or hit them with a cattle prod if it will help the fight for Freedom. The problem was those pictures of our women soldiers being the ones to it. If they were Godless Arabs torturing other Godless Arabs, well