E-E-T NEWS: A-Rod Knows Tic-Tacs, Middle School Beat Down More Than Dow Jones And Amy Fisher Advi…

(New York-NY) Yours truly Ed “E.” is feeling the pressure at work. Can you believe it, me? We’ve cut down. I was told that we need to do less with more. Or as my Boss said, “In your case, less with even less.” So with the added hours and as you loyal readers and viewers know my consistent gastric upset, I’m going to have to just rip a page off of the Ed-E-torial wire (EET). Until next week, DOW 7,000, here we come.

(Milwaukee-WI) Franklin Middle School students are organizing after school “beat downs” complete with sound track and posting them on YouTube. In an effort to stop this activity, a school spokesman advised parents to be on the lookout for warning signs. “If you don’t know where you child is between the hours of 3:30 and 5:00PM and he has the entire screenplay to “Fight Club” memorized, you may want to talk to your child and tell him that there is no shame in using a mouth guard or cup.”

(London-UK) Controversial former “Big Brother” UK reality star Jade Goody has been diagnosed with inoperable cervical cancer. The once darling then outcast of British TV has a new reality show that is documenting her final days. In addition, the rights to film her upcoming wedding have been secured as well. Goody said that she hopes showing her final days will make young women more aware of screening for the deadly disease, which if detect early is curable, unlike bad taste on realty shows for which there is no known cure as of yet.

(Los Angeles-CA) In a related note, former “Long Island Lolita”, porn star and now stripper Amy Fisher is documenting her recent battle with chlamydia in a new documentary, “Burning To Know You”. In a press release, Fisher said, “If I can get just one girl to realize that shooting the wife of the guy you’re cheating on in the head, going to jail, getting implants, having your husband put out a sex tape of you, becoming a porn star and then a stripper isn’t the fantasy it sounds like, I will know I did some good.”

(Washington, D.C.) The psoriasis drug Raptiva has an odd side effect, death. The drug involves a once weekly injection and three patients died due to Rapitva after three years of treatment. Reacting with surprising swiftness for a regulatory agency during the Bush administration, the FDA directed Genentech, the manufacturer of Raptiva, to include in its labeling a warning about the risks of life-threatening infections, the cause of the deaths. The FDA defended this position as opposed to pulling the drug by stating, “Hey only three people died, and let’s not forget with all of them the psoriasis was under control.”

(Tampa-FL) New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez said he knew that he wasn’t taking “Tic-Tacs” when making a statement about his steroid use from 2001-2003. But while he took no questions at that press conference, Rodriguez may still have to answer questions about the use of steroids if he is called before baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. At spring training, Rodriguez was questioned by reporter on this. However, he was too confused trying to determine if the breath mint in his hand was a Tic-Tac, Mentos or Ex-Lax to answer.

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