Election News Roundup- (Post One)

Florida police arrested Charles Wilson Nelson just hours after he stood on stage with his father, Senator-elect Bill Nelson, to celebrate Mr. Nelson’s easy victory over Rep. Kathleen Harris. According to reports, the younger Nelson was found with an apparently unconscious woman and another man when police responded to a report of an alleged brawl taking place. Charles Nelson was found to have alcohol on his breath, slurred speech and needed to be pepper-sprayed in order to be taken into custody. A Gentle Note To Charles Wilson Nelson: “You stupid, drunken, idiotic son of a bitch…we just won this thing based on the fact that the Republican leadership was a lying, cheating bunch of drug addled sex fiends…don’t fuck us up. Thank you.”

United States President George W. Bush, that shining symbol of bi-partisanship in Washington politics, during his post-election press conference described the Republican losses as a “thumpin” and has now vowed to work with the newly elected Democratic House of Representatives, as if the little creep actually had a choice. Just last week and up till the very day before the election, Mr. Bush has characterized Speaker-elect Ms. Pelosi, a grandmother of five, as a Skanky Little Piece of Terrorist Loving Liberal San Francisco White Trash, or words to that effect. For her part, Speaker Pelosi has called Mr. Bush “a liar”, “incompetent” and “dangerous”, which obviously forms the basis for true cooperation in Washington these days. As gestures of goodwill, Mr. Bush cut Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld loose faster than a Texas Twister and Ms. Pelosi promised not to have Mr. Bush impeached and thrown in jail. All in all, it was very sweet.

Later that same day, Mr. Bush held a second, far shorter news conference with outgoing Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld and newly nominated Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Mr. Gates was Deputy National Security Advisor as well as the Director of the CIA for Mr. Bush’s daddy, the first George Bush, during the first Iraq invasion. In 2005, Mr. Bush Jr. offered Mr. Gates the post of Director of National Intelligence (‘Intelligence Czar’), but Mr. Gates declined, apparently because at the time he could find no sign of any intelligence in the President’s Administration. However, with Democrats controlling at least the House of Representatives, Mr. Gates feels thing are finally looking up.